The recent doings in that there Porthole
Somewhere on the North Cornwall Coast between Newquay and Tintagel lies the village of Porthole. It’s not necessarily in the same place every day, which is something the locals have learned to live with.
On its windswept quayside stands a sturdy stone-built emporium, the infamous Rowlocks Pasties. Their motto being “A pasty a day, keeps the Excise away.”
The establishment is fronted by the buxom Betty Stoggs. Strangely, no other women work at the shoppe, all the staff being men of a certain seafaring air who describe themselves as “Crimpers”. Everyone knows the Shoppes patron Dr Trepolpen,* an incorrigible smuggler. A man who always manages to stay one step ahead of the law. The law in these parts being the High Sherrif, the lugubrious Justice Thumms.
Justice Thumms lost his fingers in a freak accident involving a mincing machine at the Rowlocks Pasty Shoppe whilst searching it for contraband – causing him to nurse a strong hatred against Dr Trepolpen and Betty, who happened to be operating the mincer at the time.
Thumms has two allies in his quest to bring down Dr Trepolpen; the local Riding officer, or Excise man, Silas Twinge. Twinge has been tasked with keeping a watch on the comings and goings at Rowlocks and reports directly to Thumms. The unfortunate Officer is the only man that Betty has ever spurned, and that irks him more than the contempt shown to him by the local populace.
The other ally is Lieutenant Pigeon, the Commander of the Revenue Cutter, HMS Behyndue. A vessel so active around the coastline, that many a smuggler’s last words are “Its Behyndue!”.
Lt Pigeon, together with Twinge, visited the Pasty Shoppe to find it deserted. All the men had gone, leaving Betty to face their questioning. Twinge went into the storeroom, and cried out “This isn’t today’s dough, it’s gone off!”. Lt Pigeon’s face contorted with rage as he realised there must be a run on, and he immediately left for his ship. “What makes you think that” shouted Twinge to the man as he ran down the quayside towards the awaiting longboat, his only reply was a hoarse “mouldy old dough!”
Twinge could hear Betty playing the shoppe’s piano. She was alone and at his mercy, and as he stood watching the Lieutenant disappear, wondering what his chances would be with the comely wench, he didn’t notice the music had stopped. All he felt was a blinding pain as Betty brought her favourite rolling pin down hard on his head.
“Come along, me ‘ansum” cooed Betty. At last, he was in her arms even if it was only as she dragged him towards the mincer
*Dr Trepolpen, made up name, was a Jacobite who’d lost his highland estates after Colluden and enjoyed not helping the Crown or it’s officers.